Aggression in children. How to manage an unmanageable child?

Many of you may be shaking your heads at the fact that aggression is a natural human trait. All of us carry it in us to some degree and intensity. But the degree to which we show it outwardly depends on many factors. Aggressive behaviour is the internal tendency of an individual to react or achieve his or her goal in an aggressive manner, which was necessary for the very development of mankind in the past.

To some extent, it can be seen as a tool for survival and overcoming the obstacles imposed by life. Like everything, aggression has its limits. We consider it pathological when it is excessive, inappropriate, inadequately socialized and has a significantly destructive effect on the patient and his environment.

Tip: Aggression. What do psychologists say about this problem?

Society and behavioural norms

What is good and what is bad? What behaviour is beneficial and acceptable to society and what is not? I think every adult and even slightly intelligent individual is aware of this. Even young children can distinguish between right and wrong, although they may not be fully aware of the full impact of their actions. As they develop, even children begin to realise the consequences and are encouraged to behave well (in functional families).

Every society has its own norms of behaviour, customs, traditions and laws. These are learned with time and development. The rules of a functioning society are set to maintain equality, opportunity to have a voice and a level playing field for all.

However, we all know that for various reasons this is not the case. It is not always possible. It is the increasing diversity among people that greatly affects their thinking and behaviour. As diversity increases, so does the number of psychological disorders, advanced psychiatric illnesses and suicides.

The child and negative behavioural patterns

When a child grows up in a socially or economically dysfunctional household, he or she often witnesses quarrels, fights, alcoholism, divorce and other negative factors. He or she gradually learns these behavioural patterns and sees them as normal. He or she therefore often stands out from society when the learned behaviour is not in line with the social behaviour of the country.

In dysfunctional families, the child often witnesses aggressive behaviour among family members. Sometimes the aggressive behaviour is directed towards the child. This negative pattern may become firmly embedded in the child and eventually manifest itself in unacceptable behaviour by the child himself.

If you want to bring up your child well, you must first start with yourself! Think: how many arguments and disputes has your child seen?

The manifestations of a child's aggressive behaviour

Adults often prove their strength by aggressive behaviour. Due to the legal system, this is mostly verbal aggression, because they do not want to get into trouble and litigation. Mostly less intelligent or addicted individuals switch to physical aggression. This leads to physical assaults, serious bodily harm - i.e. criminal behaviour.

Interesting: Despite the rarity, there are several cases of aggressive behaviour by children resulting in death. In 1993, then only ten-year-old friends Jon Venables and Robert Thomson committed a heinous, aggressive act. They kidnapped a two-year-old baby, James, outside a supermarket. They tortured him, dripped an unknown liquid into his eyes and finally beat the toddler to death with bricks and metal rods.

Children are usually less aggressive, and of course outwardly show it in some way. However, we must not confuse a child's transient aggressive behaviour (aggression) with aggression as such for the sake of gaining attention or getting a favourite toy. Aggressive behaviour is characterised by a long-term, internal urge to react aggressively in different situations.

The difference between aggression and aggressiveness lies in the duration and intensity of this behaviour. Aggression as such can be defined as a character trait of the individual and not only as a transient state.

Symptoms of aggression in children:

• Prolonged, aggressive reactions (even when the situation does not require it)
• outbursts of unjustified/little justified anger
• susceptibility to aggressive behaviour in different situations
• intentionality of behaviour and repetition of behaviour
• manipulative behaviour, giving orders
• mobbing - gossiping, ridiculing others
• weak relationship with creation, tendency to destroy
• physical attacks on other children, parents and self
• cruelty to animals, pleasure in suffering
• intimidation, bullying and abuse of younger and weaker children
• behavioural asymmetry (strong/weak)
• childgrooming - sexual abuse in children (mostly occurs in adults)

What causes a child's aggressive behaviour?

Aggression is ingrained in us from birth. Some people show less of it, others more. But for everyone it shows up outwardly in some way, whether we want it to or not.

The child, like the adult, has needs and desires. When he does not achieve them voluntarily, he uses certain forms of pressure and violence against his parents. Crying and screaming, throwing himself on the floor, stomping, hair-pulling, scratching or hitting are typical.

The intensity of the manifestations and their frequency depend on various aspects. One such aspect is genetic predisposition, i.e. the child's genetic make-up. Another is social aspects, such as the influence of the parents and other people with whom the child comes into regular contact.

Last but not least, illness or injury can also have an impact on behaviour and aggression. This may include, for example, autism, Asperger's syndrome, ADHD, other learning disabilities, brain injuries or inflammation.

Table of causes of aggression

Influence of genetic factors on the expression of aggression

The influence of heredity on aggression is scientifically proven. Several scientific studies have been carried out to prove this fact beyond doubt. Research has been carried out on the relationship between catechol-O-methyltransferase (an enzyme that breaks down catecholamines - the neurotransmitters adrenaline, noradrenaline, dopamine) and polymorphism (the simultaneous occurrence of two or more genetically determined phenotypes).

These are factors that can greatly condition a child's future development. Genetics account for up to 60% of the causes of aggressive behaviour in children. However, this does not necessarily mean that a child will be aggressive just because his biological father was aggressive. Good upbringing and smooth socialisation are important in this respect.

Organic diseases, injuries and their effect on behaviour

Have you ever heard of someone who has had a severe injury or overcome a serious illness and has since become a different person? Now I am not talking about a person who has recovered from prostate cancer and has been going to church every Sunday since. I am talking about diseases or injuries that directly affect the central nervous system and anatomically or functionally damage the brain.

This can be a malignant or benign brain tumour, a cyst, abscess or bone growth pressing on the brain parenchyma. Similarly, inflammatory diseases such as meningitis can damage the brain. Head and brain injuries such as skull impingement fractures (inward fractures) with mechanical compression of brain tissue or post-traumatic (and spontaneous) brain haemorrhages and clots can have the same impact.

Interesting: Aggression on an organic basis is very difficult to control. In some cases, hospitalization in a psychiatric clinic is necessary.

Psychiatric illness and aggression

Psychiatric illnesses can be genetically determined in a child, but can also manifest themselves later due to the environment and poor socio-economic background. Genetically determined psychiatric illnesses include mental retardation of varying degrees, X chromosome fragmentation syndrome, autism, Asperger's syndrome, ADHD, learning disabilities, other behavioural disorders, paranoia or schizophrenia.

Mental illness developed during life is a consequence of inadequate parental care in the home environment, bullying at school, not fitting in, truancy, delinquency. These factors interact with each other. The child often falls into drugs, which can both trigger and exacerbate the condition.

Social aspects in the problem of aggressive behaviour

After genetics, social background is second only to genetics in the problem of aggressive behaviour in children. Not every child is born into a family with the same opportunities and positive characteristics of relatives. Throughout its development, a child learns and adopts behaviour patterns primarily from its parents. It adopts them and gradually develops its own personality and identity.

Peers and teachers have a great influence on your child during the preschool and school years. Negative behaviour patterns adopted from a teacher are unlikely. However, peers can influence your child significantly. It is important to remember that your child's classmates are from different social classes. This can be a problem because children from dysfunctional families can prove their strength at school. They may become unwanted idols for your child.

How to influence a child properly without physical punishment?

Is your child aggressive despite the full life you give him? Does he have long-lasting tantrums, hit the floor, scream, cry and you can't cope with him?

Here you will find some advice on how to influence your child without violence and physical punishment. Of course, it is important to remember that proper education is not only a long-term process, but a lifelong one.

Evil begets only evil. This is also true when bringing up a child. Physical punishment will only make the child's behaviour worse. In the beginning, one slap may be beneficial. But if the child's aggression persists, physical punishment is regular and ineffective. The child is not afraid of it, is numb and used to it.

Before you start re-educating your child, you must be sure that these aggressive displays are not due to a more serious illness. Pay attention to your child, do not overlook important details.

Be an authority and a role model for your child

At a young age, the parent is naturally the authority figure. Young children only know the parent, they learn from the parent, they respect the parent. However, as they grow older and develop, they get to know other people, other relatives, other children, friends, teachers. Simply put, they get to know the world, they socialise. They see things that they may not have known at home. They see other patterns of behaviour, they gain knowledge and experience.

If these patterns of behaviour are beneficial to the child's further development, there is no problem. The problem occurs when they stop seeing the parent as an authority figure and create a new one. It is always an existing entity that has an influence on the child for some reason. Usually it is a popular teacher, which is fine. But it can also be a classmate who acts as an icon in school or kindergarten by proving his power. Usually it is a troubled individual who exacts at school what he does not have at home.

How to be number one for a child?

Being and remaining an authority figure for your child takes a lot of effort. First of all, you have to try and really want it. You must not act violently. The child will know what you are really about. The positive aspect is also the work of the parent. For example, if the father is a policeman or a fireman, the child considers him a hero. Keep the atmosphere in this spirit. Tell your child who you have saved today and what a positive influence this has for society.

You don't have an important job? Never mind. Show your child your abilities in the face of adversity. Show him the real values that make a person human. Teach him love, respect and honesty. Explain it to him with examples. Your child will look at you as a hero.

Talk to your child, explain

Communication is important in all interpersonal relationships. This is also true in the mother-child relationship. You need to talk openly to your child about everything, explaining everything he asks. The answers should be acceptable given the age of the child.

Especially in the case of dangerous activities, it is important to explain to the child the risks of the activity, the cause and the effect. Some parents want to protect their child by not telling him the negative impact, so as not to frighten him. However, psychologists do not much prefer this alternative.

If you find a 10-year-old trying to smoke, show him a picture or the Internet of another child with cancer. If he tends to climb trees or high walls, find another child on the Internet who was left in a wheelchair after a fall. Make sure he listens carefully to you. If he is busy with another activity, it is meaningless.

Another attribute is activities that have fatal consequences. The child should also be given information about the death. Of course, everything should be done gradually and in moderation. It is better if he gets all the information from the parent than if he has to learn it elsewhere.

Never lie.

As the saying goes, a lie has short legs. This saying did not just come about. The prerequisite for every lie is exposure. In the event of exposure, the one who lied loses all respectability. Rebuilding trust is arduous, sometimes impossible. Never show yourself as a liar in the eyes of your child. You may remain one for the rest of your life.

If a child discovers a lie once, twice, more than once, he loses trust in you. And not only that. He stops accepting you, respecting you. He stops listening, aggressive behavior can intensify. In this case, correction is difficult to impossible.

Ignorance. Yes or no?

Ignoring is perhaps too strong a word to use in a relationship with a child. In certain circumstances, it tends to be a completely proven method to manage a child. This is especially true in the defiance period (3 years to 9 years). Of course, this does not mean that you should now ignore your child completely, not paying attention to his needs. Also, it should not be regular, because the child needs affection.

But it is necessary in a situation where your nerves may be frayed, the child is constantly resisting, kicking, fighting with you and screaming. Continue with your normal activities, ignore the child, pretend that his screaming is not a problem for you, keep your cool. It may not be immediate, but trust that he will stop being amused. When he has calmed down, talk to him about what happened and why.

With smaller children, it's a good idea to put them in a safe place so they can't see you and let them cry it out. Many a mother's crying may be heartbreaking, but you can do it. The child will realise he hasn't achieved anything and will stop.

Reward your child if they deserve it

Negotiation with your child is appropriate. Of course, only to a certain extent and in certain situations. Negotiation can be positive, but it can also be negative. Allow him to watch TV in the evening if he has been listening all day. Don't allow it if he hasn't been listening and has been throwing himself on the floor. Don't be tempted to cajole and repeatedly cry either.

Rewarding your child can also be watching a favourite story, a sweet, a new toy or a trip to the zoo. The possibilities are many. You just need to be aware of what your child wants and what he enjoys. But according to experts, negotiation should not be frequent because it undermines authority. Sometimes you need to make it clear to your child who is boss and take a firm stand. Especially in a situation where your child wants to do something where he could get hurt or be in danger.